im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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