he was CRYING into my vagina
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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