you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
