Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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