Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It all started with a game of naked twister.