How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner