My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So much rum. So many feels.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.