We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
