I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
