You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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