currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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