Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
