Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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