is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
