Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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