god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
