A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
