conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
