Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize