I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
