I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Blood and glitter go together right?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
