I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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