If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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