All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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