Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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