I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
