a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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