She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
