She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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