gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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