The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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