this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Your penis caused this!
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