dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
