My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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