I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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