turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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