just tell him i said nine months
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
