The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
