I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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