I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize