It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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