You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
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I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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