I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
