with your own penis?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
