you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
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I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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