can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
