i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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