Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
