foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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