Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
