two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
