I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize