Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
