Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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