i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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